done

I'm done.  

I deleted my twitter account.  I'll probably delete my fetlife account in the next week or so (I'm never on there, so I don't see the point of keeping it).

I deleted all of my blog posts except the last two; those should explain my decision.

But there's more.  A lot more.

I'm sick of being scared.  I'm sick of worrying about some unstable lunatic stalking me and trying to hurt me or my children.  

I'm sick of watching the woman that became obsessed with my husband slowly infiltrate my closest friendships.  

I'm sick of the drama.  

I'm sick of all of it.

I want to be a normal person again.  I want to spend my time with my real friends, the people that love me for who I am on the inside, not because I'm _sub_girl.

I'm still a pervert.  I still want to pursue D/s and learn about myself and push myself to grow and change.  I just don't need to do it in a public setting.  Not anymore.

I'm better than that.

clarity (part II of II)

This blog was my first kink-related online presence.  Shortly after I started blogging in October 2010, I discovered fetlife and created an account there as well.

In February 2011 I created my first twitter account, originally with the sole intent of promoting this blog.  Over the last year and a half I accumulated over 1,500 followers, about a tenth of which were people I followed back and interacted with on a regular basis.  Over time I developed real life friendships with people, many whom I consider my closest friends to this day.  I became somewhat active in the local kink scene as well.

However, a series of unrelated events which have occurred over the last several months have caused me to re-evaluate my lifestyle and my on-line presence.

I have a friend who started a D/s relationship with a man.  She fell head over heels and believed there was potential for a long-term relationship.  She introduced him to her young child.  She thought she was falling in love.  Then he stole over $1,000 of items from her home.  Apparently this man had a criminal history and never even gave her his real name.  He's now behind bars in another state.  She's grateful all he took were items from her home; it certainly could have been much worse.  

There are liars and thieves in this lifestyle.

I have a friend who ended a D/s relationship with a man last spring.  It's been over six months, but this man continues to stalk her twitter account, ridicule her and her boyfriend and threatens to unfollow people who are friends with her.  

There are predators and bullies in this lifestyle.

I have a friend who is working on repairing her very fragile marriage.  Her kink life has been a sensitive and painful subject between she and her husband which recently resulted in her decision to remove her kinky friends from her twitter account.  She was kind enough to reach out a few people she considered friends to explain why she was making the change and even offered other means to stay in contact.  She was shocked and hurt by the angry and accusatory responses she received; frankly I'm baffled by the responses as well. 

There are cruel, insensitive people in this lifestyle.

I met a man on twitter earlier this year who I became fast (platonic) friends with.  We made plans to meet on multiple occasions, but he cancelled every time.  I found out later that he'd done the same thing to another friend of mine.

There are people who are not who they claim to be in this lifestyle.

Worst of all, I have a friend who recently had to remove her blog as well as her entire on-line presence because someone she'd befriended online turned on her, stalking her and eventually making criminal allegations against her.  These allegations were investigated and found to be false, however it resulted in the loss of her job nonetheless.  She contemplated suicide.  She deleted the blog which she'd maintained for years.  She is actually considering moving to another state and changing her legal identity because she fears this stalker will never give up.

There are mentally ill people in this lifestyle.

And then there are the stories.  We've all heard them.  Drama and accusations of "stalking".  Horrific, unrelenting bullying.  Cyber relationships resulting in heartache.   Real life affairs that end marriages. 

I don't have a dramatic, painful story to share.  No one has done anything terrible to me.  I've done a relatively good job at protecting myself and carefully choosing the people I invite into my life and my home.

It's not good enough.  Not when it comes to sharing your life in a public forum.

This morning I locked down my twitter account.  I deleted all but about 100 of the people that I consider friends and whom I trust.  Eventually I will probably delete it all together.

The enjoyment I once got from being part of the kink "lifestyle" has dwindled.  There seems to be so much misery and instability amongst the majority of the people I've met.  I don't think I want to be part of this anymore. 

Maybe it's me.  But I don't think it is.

My heart aches for my friends that have been hurt.  My heart hurts for the friends I've lost.

A close friend of mine taught me that we can't go backwards; only forward with a different approach.  I don't have a dramatic announcement to make.  I'm not deleting my blog.  Not yet.  But I'm making changes that feel healthy and positive.

I've missed feeling good.

clarity (part I of II)

Note: This post was written two weeks ago.  I've been waiting for the right time to publish it; after another moment of clarity which occurred last night, that time is now.

I spent last night with an old friend. By old friend, I mean we go back over 20 years, to our freshman year in high school.

It was supposed to be a fun girls night out.

Instead we parted ways with me making her promise not to drive by her ex's house and that she'd call a psychiatrist first thing Monday.

She's lost 30 pounds. She's been missing work. She is on the brink of tears at any given moment.

She's caught in the vicious cycle of hell known as depression.

How did she get there? It was a slow descent, triggered by an on-again off-again relationship. Last year she got pregnant and was pressured by her boyfriend to terminate the pregnancy. Then they broke up. Then they got back together. She's a well educated woman, and actually works in the mental health field. She saw how unhealthy the relationship was, but clung to the hope that things would get better. They haven't.

Seeing her like that broke my heart.

It's so easy for me, on the outside, to analyze her problems and see how to fix them. But when you're the one stuck in the pit of despair, you're blinded by the pain and the voices in your own head.

I know because I've been there.

Driving home, I had a moment of clarity.

I saw some parallels between my friend's relationship with her boyfriend and some of my own relationships. When I consider how much time and energy I've put into so-called friends when I could have been working on myself, my marriage or being a mom... well, it makes me wonder how healthy my relationships/friendships really are.

Husband recently told me he thinks my staunch loyalty and desire to nurture the people I love are two of my greatest characteristics, but now I wonder.

Where has being a loyal and devoted friend gotten me? I can tell you. It's gotten me ignored over something I don't understand and can only assume is a misunderstanding. It's gotten me discarded by people who told me they loved me and said they considered me a close friend.

I don't deserve to be treated like that. If someone has a problem with me, I expect them to come to me and communicate it. How can I fix something if I don't know what's broken? And what kind of people do that, anyways?

Not the kind of people I choose to have in my life.

Apparently I've made some grave errors in my judgment. I'm disappointed and hurt, but I also realize that everything happens for a reason. I intend on taking this opportunity to grow and learn from it as much as I can.

It's time for me to make some changes. I need to re-evaluate the people I've let into my life these last few years. I need to refocus my priorities take better care of myself, both physically and mentally. I need to work hard on my marriage.

Sometimes it takes seeing someone we love in pain to open our eyes and really see the similarities.

My friend that I referenced above let a man into her life who, while certainly was not a "bad" guy, was unhealthy for her. Months ago, after the abortion and their first break up, she and I spoke about it... yet she had to go through this for herself.

I've let people into my life who, while also not "bad" people, were probably unhealthy for me. It took seeing their bad behavior directed at me to open my eyes.

Everything happens for a reason.

Moments of clarity happen at the strangest and most unexpected times.